Strange
You Might Also Like
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
bias laundering edition
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.