Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika