It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.