If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy