TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Is fructose made with real fruct?