Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Pickled cat.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.