my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.