You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.