911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything