You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW