What
You Might Also Like
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I feel seen
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”