Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.