i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“I wouldn’t.”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I cannot call her anything else now
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.