I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
You Might Also Like
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.