“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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shut up and take my money
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”