Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question