Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
You Might Also Like
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Home #decor warning.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.