I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.