DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me