JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.