her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!