“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection