Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
You Might Also Like
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral