Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”