Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂