thank god the sign was there
You Might Also Like
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken