Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing