I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle