Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.