Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”