[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming