Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it