If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.