[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.