Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????