[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying