Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
You Might Also Like
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
what could possibly go wrong?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”