I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
You Might Also Like
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)