*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.