Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”