Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
You Might Also Like
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother