Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
mmm onion ringos
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*