#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My safe word is Worcestershire
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope