common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The Struggle
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you