Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
selfie game
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.