you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Camping tip: No.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!