I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee