Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?