Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you鈥檙e more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don鈥檛 do the work
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don鈥檛 do that anymore.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that鈥檚 just in one mall.
I lost my wife鈥檚 audiobook… and now I鈥檒l never hear the end of it!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn鈥檛
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you鈥檙e wrong everyone鈥檚 dead anyway
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.