HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
and this one
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please